Dear You Know Who You Are:
An analogy.
You DO know you're advocating we all get in the car with a drunk person driving, am I getting this right? You all know and you are okay with it. Am I getting this right? You know if he crashes the car, that YOU'RE IN THE CAR TOO, right? Just want to make sure.
Cause I'm actually surprised.
Yeah, I need a ride home. As much as everyone. We all need a ride home tonight. But I just don't wanna get in the car if he's driving, if I can help it. I'm sorry if you think this makes me a "pussy". I'm not. I just want to live to go to the prom and graduate and go to college and get married and have babies. This is the time in my life when I want to make good choices so the rest of my life can be good. So I'm standing up to this or I have a feeling I'll be sorry.
Oh look, he's coming to...
Give me the keys, dude. Come on. Give me the keys. GIVE ME THE KEYS. YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK TONIGHT. I'M CUTTING YOU OFF. WE'RE CUTTING YOU OFF NOW. I MEAN IT. GIVE ME THE GODDAMN KEYS. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER DRINK. You were kind of funny when you were slightly lit but now you're falling down drunk and it's fucking embarrassing. Everyone's either laughing at you, really scared of what you'll do, or as drunk as you are.
I'll give you one thing, though. You're reliable. EVERY NIGHT you go out and get plastered and way too loud and stumble around like a fucking JERK being an asshole to everybody and getting into fistfights and then you puke and fall down and pass out and the next day it starts all over again. I'm humiliated to even go to the same school as you.
Anyway, I agreed to be the designated driver. I accepted this responsibility, just by being here. So I'm gonna do whatever I can to make good on it. Now get up off the floor out of your own sick and call a taxi. And no I'm not paying for it. You've made a mess of this. It's on you. Literally. You got barf all over that ugly fucking tie. Good, cause we're all sick of looking at it. Maybe you'll finally get a new one. How can you be okay with all this?
Oh great, look at that, now you wrecked the car. Good job, bud. It's all right. It's your car to crash I guess. I'll just call my mom, she'll pick me up. She's probably waiting by the phone. She's probably already got her shoes on. SHE'S A RESPONSIBLE ADULT. Cause, see, she actually gives a shit. What do you mean you don't like my mom? Are you serious? Who the FUCK cares? She has no points on her license. She's an excellent driver. She has a car. She knows the way. Why does it matter if you LIKE her or not? And by the way I love my mom, I'm just asking why it matters to YOU. I'm calling her for a ride home, I'm not gonna fucking marry her or anything. Gross, she's my mom. She's a good mom. She's a great mom, actually. She is a great mom. She's BEEN a mom, dude. And like every great mom, she really cares. She does her best for her family.
Oh man, dude. You're babbling again. Just go home already. The party's over. We're all gonna spend the rest of the night cleaning up your vomit. Just go home.